Ruth Lynn Nixon

Many intelligent, famous, and well renowned people have tried putting into words the true meaning of the title, "Mother." Therefore, I find myself thinking, "How can I sit here and try expressing my understanding of what a mother is and should be?" After all, growing up, I was the last kid you would find in the flower shop the day before mothers day trying to pick out the bouquet that was, "Just right for mommy." The only time I can recall doing anything remotely sweet for Mother's day as a child was this one year when I drew her an entire book of colorful things, with stick figures involved, because she was feeling sick. I know the stick figure were probably lame, but I was little, cut me a break. I can't remember much if any of the contents of what I drew, but I will never forget the smile it brought to her face.

Little did I know, this would not be the last Mother's day I would spend with a sick mother. Those who know me closest, and some who don't, know that she was diagnosed with and fought cancer for somewhere near 3 years. The reason for this blog today is the fact that she lost her battle this past October and today is my first Mothers day without a mother who's face I can see when I honor her.

Mom may be gone but her love still remains. It is engraved in the walls of my chest. With each beat of my heart that sends blood through my body, I feel the warmth of a Mother's love, my Mother's love. The thought of my Mother's warmth brings me to that night I watched her chest collapse for the last time. I heard a heart beat that would soon beat no more. I listened as air became a privilege to the lungs, rather than an afterthought. I held tighter as she faded deeper. Than, I heard it, the last gasp of air, almost as if a swimmer had just come up from under water and was preparing for another plunge. However, this plunge was for eternity.
Obviously, the retelling of these last moments brings tears to my eyes. These tears that I cry are tears of sorrow. However, they are not tears of despair. I say this because there is a stark difference between sorrow and despair and Timothy Keller defines this difference best in his book, Counterfeit Gods.

"Sorrow is pain for which there are sources of consolation. Sorrow comes from losing one good thing among many others. Despair, however, is inconsolable because it comes from losing an ultimate thing. when you lose the ultimate source of hope, there are no alternative sources to turn to."

In the love letter of all love letters, or should I say the Mother of all love letters, the Bible, there is a message from the author. This message is, "We are afflicted in every way , but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair." 2 Corinthians 4:8
At the time of Mom's passing I was unaware of this verse and these definitions provided by Timothy Keller, but for some reason, at the time, that I could not explain, there was a peace in my soul during mom's passing. I thought maybe it was because of my knowledge of her professing of the Lord's name which meant and still means we will one day meet face to face in heaven. In part, to point to this as the explanation for the peace I was experiencing and still experience today, would not be wrong because  it is one of the most comforting thoughts I have had on this Mother's day. However, what I now understand that peace to be is our Father's love for us. In these moments of death and sorrow, I got the closest glimpse I hope to ever see of what Jesus Christ did for us all on the cross. Therefore, on this Mother's day I implore everyone to honor their Mother's, but more importantly to take a moment and thank the Father above who made it that if our hearts are set on him, we will never experience despair because he is our ultimate source.

I love you so much Mom, Happy Mother's and sing one with the angels for me and please tell me those seraphim are as sweet as Isaiah described them.