Fellowship of the Unashamed: My Status Update

This is a poem I came across thanks to a Covenant Life Church sermon I heard a few months back. I am overwhelmed with a freeing call to arms every time I hear it! Enjoy.

"I'm a part of the fellowship of the unashamed. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made. I'm a disciple of His and I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still.
My past is redeemed. My present makes sense. My future is secure. I'm done and finished with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, mundane talking, cheap living, and dwarfed goals.
I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don't have to be right, or first, or tops, or recognized, or praised, or rewarded. I live by faith, lean on His presence, walk by patience, lift by prayer, and labor by Holy Spirit power.
My face is set. My gait is fast. My goal is heaven. My road may be narrow, my way rough, my companions few, but my guide is reliable and my mission is clear.
I will not be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded or delayed.  I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice or hesitate in the presence of the adversary. I will not negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.
I won't give up, shut up, or let up until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, and preached up for the cause of Christ.
I am a disciple of Jesus. I must give until I drop, preach until all know, and work until He comes. And when He does come for His own, He'll have no problems recognizing me. My colors will be clear!"
Amen

A“cross” My Heart: a journey of Trust (part 2/2)

     As I sat there on a, “Bench,” amidst the hustle and bustle of Minneapolis' St. Paul International airport, God came straight down to me in the form of a lost necklace. The thoughts and questions began to pour into my head. Thoughts of loss, of letting go, and a lack of understanding. As soon as I got past all these initial thoughts of sorrow and questioning, my mind began to clear and the next thought popped in my head. “God has a reason for everything, why do you think he allowed the necklace to be lost? Is he doing something here, he knew how much this meant to you.” This is when the bells began to ring. Silly me, I should of seen it right from the start. I had spent the last couple months diligently walking through a book called, “Counterfeit Gods,” by Timothy Keller. As you may have guessed from the title, the focus of Keller's book was idol's. I had spent all this time learning about and defining idols. Yet, I lost a necklace and found myself crushed and searching for answers, almost as if I had never picked up the book in the first place.

      If I were asked to share one thing from Keller's book, it would be that idols are an issue of the heart. This simple but evident truth is the key to understanding what I feel happened during the month of June, up in Canada. The truth is our hearts are idol factories, manufacturing idol after idol to compete with the one, true design our hearts were created for, the Love of Christ. Now, lets take a step back before I lead anyone astray. I am not about to call my cross necklace in itself an idol or say its wrong to feel sorrow for the loss of anything. After all, Jesus wept for his dear friend Lazarus and I believe he weeps for all of us who are lost. However, I will be sure to share that this situation brought forth an awareness of the presence of a needed change in my heart.

      This situation showed me the selfish desires and fundamental failings my heart was trying to build itself upon. When God made sure the cross necklace was to leave my possession, he was, in fact, not taking away a gold cross at all. He was taking something far more important to him. He was grabbing the attention of my heart. He was taking my hearts attention and ripping all the desires I had developed selfishly in search of satisfying the idols of my life. His next plan was to begin replacing them with desires that I feel were the desires he created me to walk this earth with. And he was doing this all on my way to the one place he knew I would listen and many before me had listened (see Brooke in part 1). 

      By the time I took my first steps on the inner dock of Malibu Club, Canada, I was well aware God had plans for me, I just wasn't sure what they were yet. Also, by this time, he had shown me, “Trust,” in the form of accepting that the necklace had been lost and was history. I was in the midst of, “Trusting,” him for the rest of the month as I began to serve and wait impatiently for what, I did not know at the time, would be the filling of my heart with new desires from his own design.

      The one illustration I keep coming back to when sharing how the Lord worked with me during the month is an image of Him taking my head, pushing it down till my chin meets my chest, and whispering into my ear, “Jacob, take a look at your heart!” This is what I felt he was doing in the countless situations I found myself looking all around me for the answers of what he was trying to teach me at Malibu. Every time, I ended up head down looking down into the depths of my heart. Eventually, this theme no longer needed to continue because a few day after the 20^th, which is when I celebrate my born-again birthday, I was placed on a porch to listen to God's final messenger He had lined up for my heart. That messenger was named Bob Goff. To put a long-story short Mr. Goff shared stories and beliefs that were the answers I knew I had been brought to Malibu to hear. 

Bob Goff sharing stories with our entire Summer Staff team

      I left the Goff's house with a heart consumed by the fire of new desire, the very thing, I now know, God had grabbed the attention of my heart for when he took away the cross necklace. Yes, of course I'm going to share what those new desires are. I know have the desire for, and feel God calling me to, a life where I am fighting for something. I am not sure what this fight will look like or where it will take place. However, I have also had this desire coupled with another. That desire is to help those in need of help, more specifically justice, and I feel that puts me into one of two career paths, law or full-time ministry. I know these are desires from God himself because I have never before considered anything near law, and I have always been scared of committing to full-time ministry. It puts me on pins and needles just thinking of where the Lord plans on taking me and that is just another reason I love Him and all his glory.
      There's one final chapter to be shared. What happened that morning as I was packing to leave Malibu? What happened was God showed me that when we, “Trust.” Him and leave things in His hands He will take them and replace them with things incomparable to what we had intended for them. He can also bring them back into our lives with a far greater glory than they had when we were in charge of them and not trusting Him with all of it.

      What I'm talking about is on that morning I reached into my Columbia jacket to pull out my goofy thick rimmed glasses, which I had stored in the chest pocket the night before. The very same chest pocket I thought I had placed my mom's cross necklace in a month earlier, while waiting in the Pittsburgh TSA security checkpoint line. 
     I pulled and heard a clinking noise. I remember thinking, “Wow, you're an idiot, you put change in the same pocket you had the glasses in. They're sure to be all scratched up.” Thus, I yanked them out ready to examine them closely for scratches and, as I leaned in, they began to come out of the pocket into my view. There it was! The gold-chain was wrapped in the most beautiful tangled mess one could imagine, all around the the left lens and where the frame of the glasses met the left hinge. All the while, the cross was there swinging to and fro below the goofiest thing I owned, my fake black rimmed glasses .

Being goofy in the goofy glasses

      I immediately had to sit down and just be overwhelmed with joy because I knew God had gave it back. To this day, I cannot explain how the necklace was in that chest pocket after a month of wearing it everyday and putting items like money, a camera, and glasses in it. I have one idea though, God. He physically removed it from me and He returned it. Trust, trust, and when that's done have faith to trust Him more. Mom's cross necklace no longer symbolizes the desire to mourn a mother I love. It now symbolizes, “Trust”. Trust him with my desires. Trust him in my fears.

      Fortunately, there were many experiences during my time up north of the border that God showed me his way. Unfortunately, I am only sharing, here, the one lesson I feel that defined all the rest of them. That lesson is that in order for God to truly transform us, or more specifically our hearts, we must begin to, “Trust,” him with everything, from our desires to our fears, and we must go out and follow these desires while facing our fears. I am beyond excited to start walking behind the Lord with these new-found desires. Well, we are now at the end of all this smoke I've been blowing out onto your computer screen and leaving up for you to decipher the meaning in it all. 

Call Me Crazy but I Love You All

A“cross” My Heart: a journey of Trust (part 1/2)

   I remember it clear as day. It was our first meeting as the Harbor team. It was here in this meeting that I was surrounded by my fellow summer staffers, two work crew workers, a couple of interns, and one man who stood out among the rest of us. After taking one look at this gentleman I could tell he had so much joy to share with us he couldn't contain himself. I now know it was because this man, Brooke Payne, was well aware of how much of a blessing it is to get a chance to spend anytime in Malibu club, Canada.

    After all the introductions and greetings were out of the way, it was Brooke's floor to say what he had to share with us all. It was here at this moment I was given the message that sets up my entire retelling of the biggest lesson God poured down on me during my time at Malibu. He told us how he had been to Malibu many times, but never once has he ever gotten back on the boat heading home an unchanged man. Than, as if that foreshadowing truth wasn't enough, he added that his hope for us all during this month was  to learn true trust in the Lord. 

               The Harbor team minus our interns Emma, Cody, Kelsey, Kramer, and Cody

                                  Harbor team with our lovely interns but minus Casey and Brooke

 

    So, lets catch up real quick, its day one at Malibu and I've been told where I am right now is a place that has countless times changed this man, whom has everyone around him showing expressions of thankfulness just for his presence. Also, it's day one and I have already been presented with my first challenge to learn to fully trust our father. Take note, this will be a reoccurring theme.    

   I firmly believe God is teaching us always. In every moment of every day, he is gradually pruning us so that we may bare fruit that brings him glory.However, I also believe there are seasons in our lives where he is chasing us even harder so that things will come to fruition in us that we ourselves never thought possible

    

   "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness,    and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other." - Galations 5:22-26

    .

    The reason I started these blogs about Malibu was to share that my time at Malibu was one of these seasons. In this season God changed a lot in me. Needless to say, as Brooke forewarned me and my fellow staffers, I got on the boat leaving Malibu Club, Canada a changed person. I guess, now is the time to begin sharing the story that brought all of this full circle.

    

   On our last morning in Malibu I woke up early to finish the final details of packing up and leaving for home. Little did I know, on this dreaded day of leaving this, “Thin place,” God was going to hit me with the ending to a lesson I'll never forget. However, I can't share the ending until the rest of the story is told. Therefore, please stick with me until we get back to this part of the epic journey the Lord took my heart on.

    Now I must backtrack and provide a little background information, if you've read my Mother's day blog or know me at all, than you should be well aware that my mother passed away this past October 16^th. Its key to start here because her heart and mine will always be, to me, one in the same. Since this past month was a journey of my heart, it has her involved and intertwined within its depths. I love and miss you much mom, thanks for the memories, good and bad.

    

   A few days after mom passed, I decided I needed something to carry with me to always remember her by. As soon as I started thinking of what that could be, it came to me, “Did mom have any cross necklaces?” I immediately went to her bedroom and made a b-line for her jewelry box. I wasn't confident that I would find a cross necklace or any piece of jewelry I'd be interested in keeping with me, mainly because I'd never seen her wear one. However, I pressed on and opened up the top and went through the draws. Than there it was a rustic, faded gold cross. It was buried beneath a few rings and what looked like the world's most tangled silver necklace. It was no taller than a quarter  and had the diameter of a thick rubber band. I immediately fell in love with it and knew that from that day forward I would wear it in honor of Ruth Nixon, my one and only true mother.

    After I went to a local store and found a modest gold chain to rest it on, I placed it around my neck and there it was to hang everyday forward, I would never take it off or so I thought.

                                                                 Here's the Cross

    Let's fast forward to a little bit before leaving for Summer Staff in Malibu Club, Canada. In order to get out there I had to fly for the first time ever in my life, and this wasn't a little flight either. I had to travel across the United States of America, a concept unimaginable to me a mere five or six months earlier. This was something I never thought I would do until I was at least a good ten years older.  God had taken my whimsical decision to apply to Malibu and brought it to fruition through his great sovereignty. He gotten me accepted and sent and was about to send me on the ride of a lifetime. I'd say this is where all the experiences of Trust got started because this kid was scared to fly, let alone fly over 2000 miles.

    Fortunately, I had my best friend Zach Mccord coming out to Malibu with me, and he had flown many times before. He was like my own little version of the holy spirit comforting me by leading the way through all the craziness we call airports, which I must say flew by, no pun intended. I hardly even remember being at any of the airports we were at. However, there is one airport I do remember just about every detail of and that was the Minneapolis airport. The reason being was at this layover on the way to Seattle God hit me with the first major moment in my heart's journey.

     Back in the Pittsburgh airport, I went through my first ever TSA security checkpoint. Here I was, nervous and overwhelmed by the prospect of flight and getting all my carry on luggage through the checkpoint without having to get a cavity search. Okay, I wasn't really concerned about being cavity searched but the possibility of it happening made me nervous. With all these thoughts running through my head I was shedding my shoes, removing all the metal I had on me, my watch, my mom's cross, and so on. I distinctly remember taking my watch and the cross and stuffing them both in a chest pocket of my black, fleece Columbia jacket, safe and sound.

    I went through all the first flight jitters with flying colors (pun?),  and made sure my eardrums didn't rupture by frantically chewing gum on both the ascension and descension of the flight. Yes, I was legitimately concerned about my eardrums rupturing because I study audiology and know too much about ears. Before I knew it, we had arrived in Minneapolis and were briskly walking through the crowd to our next flight. I was both ecstatic and flustered because I was in the hometown of my favorite NFL team, the Minnesota Vikings. Yet, I needed to pay attention and make sure we caught our next flight. Than, as we were still pushing through the crowds, I thought to myself, “No more TSA checkpoints! I can put mom's cross back on.” So I reached for my coat pocket and saw a horrifying sight.

    The zipper of the pocket was wide open. Hopeful, I reached in to see if by some miracle the necklace had stayed in the pocket that must of been open for our entire flight and the 500 yard sprint we had already made from when we first reached the terminal weaving through person after person. Empty, gone, no chain, no necklace, just an empty black hole that had failed to hold onto to the one thing I had left of my Mom's which I considered dear to me. Sorrow began to pour over me, I continued to press on and told myself I'd find it when I sat down to wait for our next flight. As soon as I arrived to our bench, Zach had already headed off to a close by convenience store to get a drink. Thus, I began to search my carry on bag and every crack, crevace, or hole I could find on my jacket and clothing. Once again, nothing, no necklace. I now realized it was gone and gone forever. 

Okay this one is getting a little long winded so this story will be continued in the next post. Sowwy :) 

 

Truth: See Faith (Blog 2)

    I often have found myself being asked for the definitions of certain words which individuals are unsure about or unfamiliar with, whether its because I'm a student of speech pathology and audiology or mere coincidence, they always seem to think I'll have the answer. Fortunately, I'm not an inanimate dictionary that sits on a desk collecting dust waiting for someone to crack me open. Therefore, I often find myself without a definition to provide them with.

    Earlier this week I was looking through scripture for verses that applied to trust, the major recurring theme I felt the Lord was working into me at Malibu club, Canada. Due to how often I'm asked to define what I'm talking about, I thought it would be important to search the Word for some definitions. After struggling for sometime to find a scripture that I felt needed to be shared to explain my new understanding of Trust, I went to my bible's index and searched Trust. What I saw when I got to the page where Trust was in the index, I began to laugh, not because what I saw was funny but because of how ridiculous the Lord is when he's teaching us something. I recently heard a friend say, “You know, I think Jesus was really funny, not in a way of bringing people down with humor but in a matter of fact way.” As I stared at this page of the index where the definition of trust said Trust: see Faith, I felt the Lord telling me in his matter of fact way, “You see Jacob, this is what I have been showing you all this time. Forget about defining it, go out and live it and you will find it defines you. I define you because I created you and all these things you seek the answers for are of me. Therefore, seek me and I will provide you with the definitions and answers you seek. Your task is to define it with your life, not your understanding. ”

    Here is an analogy that describes what I feel the Lord has taught me this last month about going out and sharing what he has graced me with. First of all, we can sit here and define words like trust, faith, grace, and righteousnous to the ends of the earth. However, if we don't get up and seek there application, than they are simply fluffed up understandings of a practice we never indulge in. I feel this would be equivalent to a carpenter knowing the name of every tool in his shop and even where its kept, but when someone comes in and asks him to build a chair, he has no way of making the chair. This is because there is one tool the carpenter is quite unfamiliar with, his hands. He knows what every tool is and what it does, he even knows who made each tool, but he has never had them in his hands fulfilling their true purpose. Therefore he is overcome with the fear of failure. Let's not be the carpenter who sits around all day thinking about building things, but never does because he sees every shortfall or lion in his path .

    Psalm 26:13:

             The sluggard says, “There is a lion in the road, a fierce lion roaming the streets!”

    Rather we should be out in the, “Shed,” building. We must start with the small but fundamental pieces first. I know we all dream of making that entire dining set or collection of kitchen cabinets right off the bat. However, the Lord says we must start out with small responsibility first, than if he sees we have done good with that he will move us up from our chair to a table and before we know it we will find ourselves sitting at the dining room, that we've always dreamed of, in his Kingdom where he has adorned the walls with our collection of kitchen cabinets that he was there for the sanding of every surface. He is the Lord of banquets and I know he wants to be throwing his banquet for us on a fine table he has used us to build. Therefore, we must invest our lives in Christ, not by simply coming to an understanding with him, but by going out to the fields of harvest and standing with him.

Special thanks to everyone in Malibu who helped me experience many of the fruits of our Lord in action at all times.

A place called Malibu (Blog 1)

God sent me on a journey from the hills of West Virginia to a ,“Thin place,” located in British Columbia, Canada. This, “Thin place,” I speak of is a Younglife property called Malibu Club. Now, you may be wondering, “Why in the world does he keep calling this a thin place?” Well, let me tell you what I mean when I call Malibu a, “Thin place.” First of all, I must be clear that I did not come up with the the title of Malibu being a, “Thin place,” myself. An individual, whom I do not recall at this moment, presented the, “Thin place,” description to myself, along with all my brother and sisters in Christ who served with me at Malibu, the very night we arrived mesmerized by the beauty of God's creation. When he first called Malibu a, “Thin place,” I thought to myself, as you may have just did, “Thin place? The only thing thin around here is the air you've been breathing, because that statement makes no sense. How can a place be thin?” My questions were immediately answered as he shared with us all the reason he felt Malibu is,was, and always will be a thin place. He basically shared that he felt the distance between Malibu and heaven is a thin distance.

After spending a month up at Malibu club I must say that I agree wholeheartedly with the idea of describing it as a, “Thin place.” Therefore, I felt it would be fitting to share my expressions of what makes Malibu such a, “Thin place.” 

       At Malibu I found myself grabbing every rock and thinking to myself, “Our father created this with his own hands and here I am holding it in mine.” I may never find another place on this earth that will be able to bring this perspective of God's creation so near to me, so thinly separated from my view. Furthermore, Malibu is thin because it makes one feel as if heaven itself was hidden just around the next bend of water, up the nearest high-rising waterfall, over those snow capped mountains that grace us all with their sight each day, or through the rapids that brought with them the rush of a new day. 

 

Ruth Lynn Nixon

Many intelligent, famous, and well renowned people have tried putting into words the true meaning of the title, "Mother." Therefore, I find myself thinking, "How can I sit here and try expressing my understanding of what a mother is and should be?" After all, growing up, I was the last kid you would find in the flower shop the day before mothers day trying to pick out the bouquet that was, "Just right for mommy." The only time I can recall doing anything remotely sweet for Mother's day as a child was this one year when I drew her an entire book of colorful things, with stick figures involved, because she was feeling sick. I know the stick figure were probably lame, but I was little, cut me a break. I can't remember much if any of the contents of what I drew, but I will never forget the smile it brought to her face.

Little did I know, this would not be the last Mother's day I would spend with a sick mother. Those who know me closest, and some who don't, know that she was diagnosed with and fought cancer for somewhere near 3 years. The reason for this blog today is the fact that she lost her battle this past October and today is my first Mothers day without a mother who's face I can see when I honor her.

Mom may be gone but her love still remains. It is engraved in the walls of my chest. With each beat of my heart that sends blood through my body, I feel the warmth of a Mother's love, my Mother's love. The thought of my Mother's warmth brings me to that night I watched her chest collapse for the last time. I heard a heart beat that would soon beat no more. I listened as air became a privilege to the lungs, rather than an afterthought. I held tighter as she faded deeper. Than, I heard it, the last gasp of air, almost as if a swimmer had just come up from under water and was preparing for another plunge. However, this plunge was for eternity.
Obviously, the retelling of these last moments brings tears to my eyes. These tears that I cry are tears of sorrow. However, they are not tears of despair. I say this because there is a stark difference between sorrow and despair and Timothy Keller defines this difference best in his book, Counterfeit Gods.

"Sorrow is pain for which there are sources of consolation. Sorrow comes from losing one good thing among many others. Despair, however, is inconsolable because it comes from losing an ultimate thing. when you lose the ultimate source of hope, there are no alternative sources to turn to."

In the love letter of all love letters, or should I say the Mother of all love letters, the Bible, there is a message from the author. This message is, "We are afflicted in every way , but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair." 2 Corinthians 4:8
At the time of Mom's passing I was unaware of this verse and these definitions provided by Timothy Keller, but for some reason, at the time, that I could not explain, there was a peace in my soul during mom's passing. I thought maybe it was because of my knowledge of her professing of the Lord's name which meant and still means we will one day meet face to face in heaven. In part, to point to this as the explanation for the peace I was experiencing and still experience today, would not be wrong because  it is one of the most comforting thoughts I have had on this Mother's day. However, what I now understand that peace to be is our Father's love for us. In these moments of death and sorrow, I got the closest glimpse I hope to ever see of what Jesus Christ did for us all on the cross. Therefore, on this Mother's day I implore everyone to honor their Mother's, but more importantly to take a moment and thank the Father above who made it that if our hearts are set on him, we will never experience despair because he is our ultimate source.

I love you so much Mom, Happy Mother's and sing one with the angels for me and please tell me those seraphim are as sweet as Isaiah described them.